It’s been quite a while since I last wrote and today I have several things to share with you:
News about upcoming benefits:
The Yoga Studio Benefit
I just learned of the events on March 8th & 9th to be held for myself and friends in yoga with whom I share similar healing journeys. The classes are taught by Peggy Orr and Nikki Estrada, two of my beloved teachers.
What: Love is the Answer: Fundraiser for Natalia Rae, Yolanda Bain and Ondera Kazuko
When: Saturday, March 8th with Peggy Orr
Sunday, March 9th with Nikki Estrada
Each class from 2:00-4:00 p.m.
Where: YogaStudio in Larkspur Landing 415-380-8800 for more info.
Suggested donation: $35 per workshop
Clement Street Bar and Grill Benefit
The following event is being organized by longtime friend “Baseball Mary” at the Clement Street Bar & Grill where Matt & I have been enjoying wonderful dinners and building true friendships with the staff for 20 years now.
What: Benefit Party and Raffle for Yolanda Bain
When: Monday, March 10th from 6-9 p.m.
Where: Clement St. Bar and Grill, 708 Clement Street @ 8th Ave.
Entrance Fee: $10 buys you one raffle ticket (or you can purchase as many as you like), includes great food, live music and a chance to win one or more of the many wonderful prizes being offered. A cash bar will also be available with proceeds to be donated to Yolanda.
Can’t attend but would like to partake in the raffle: Raffle tickets are available at Clement Street Bar and Grill or you may email baseballmary@baseballmary.com.
Other news:
Yoga Journal online article link:
Please take a moment to check out this lovely article written by Karen Macklin about the last class I taught at the Mindful Body in January. It’s very sweet. Thank you Karen!
http://blogs.yogajournal.com/cityblog/2008/02/yoga_benefit_for_yo_1.html
I’m going into the practice of silence.
I’ve decided to spend the remainder of this week practicing silence in order to allow my inner world and outer world to find a greater sense of harmony. This includes taking a break from writing emails, blogs, checking my voicemails, watching TV, listening to the radio, reading the newspapers etc. Perhaps you may want to try this even for a short amount of time. I find it a very powerful practice and haven’t done it in a long time and have never attempted doing it from my own home.
A personal story to share about healing, the womb, our ancestors, water and dolphins:
While I’ve been in a steady pattern of feeling a bit stronger and more energetic with each new day, the last couple of days have been a bit of a challenge because I’ve taken myself off my pain medicine, Vicodin, which has been keeping me on a kind of blissful wave. It is, however, a very addictive drug and I’ve been noticing more of a mental desire for it outside of needing it for any kind of pain. So, the downside is that I’m experiencing some discomfort, lethargy and irritability as this finds its way out of my body/mind system. As much as I can, I want to really know what’s going on in my being, and if I’m being numbed out that simply doesn’t work for me. Time to reconnect with my internal pharmacy.
I had the energy to walk a few blocks to Golden Gate Park and breathe in the beauty of the huge array of life that abounds there…the birds, the trees, the flowers, all the different kinds of people. Everything just feels so alive and refreshing. It feels so good to find the strength of my feet and legs and heart to carry me from one place to the next. I stopped in a particularly beautiful sunny spot and sat on the ground and meditated. That offered a bliss that no drug could compete with. I had a strong sense of all the kind and loving prayers and thoughts pouring in and filtering throughout my being…going where they were most needed and helping me heal. I can still feel it as I am writing these words.
Since I last wrote, I’ve been experiencing some very insightful memories and associations relative to my health condition. They are of a very personal nature but I’m going to share them nevertheless.
As many of you know, a large symptom of my illness showed up on the form of excess serous fluids called ascites—mostly in the abdomen. I eventually gained an extra 6 liters of fluid which added an extra 15 to 20 lbs to my weight. My lungs also showed extra fluid, which changed the category of the cancer from a stage 3 to a stage 4.
After my surgery the excess fluid left my belly but my legs and feet tripled in size. I was also told by one of my doctors that the excess fluids would return to my belly in a fairly short amount of time. That was based on the stage of my cancer. After a few days home, a lot of leg elevation and foot massage and two acupuncture sessions with Dr. Angela Wu (which were preceded by healing massage with Kat Horn at Dr. Wu’s center) the fluid in my legs left my body via my urinary system during almost two days straight of constant peeing. That was a bit disconcerting as I thought I’d become permanently incontinent. However, at a certain point I made the connection that the fluid needed some way out and that was it. I’m very happy to say that as of this writing, the fluid has not returned and my bladder is in top shape. I’m not sure what’s going on in my lungs as the only way they detected fluid there was via a CT scan and I haven’t had another since the first.
All of this feels very encouraging to me and I see so many signs pointing to the cancer being in a state of remission and healing. Once in a while I run into someone I know who hasn’t been informed of my condition (it happened on my walk in the park the other day) and the words I now us are “I’m healing from cancer”.
So, where all this is leading is to my thoughts and concerns about my lungs and also the strong association of all of this with the element of water. On my last visit to Dr. Wu’s office while in the waiting room I reached for one of my favorite books they had available for clients to read, the classic, “The Web That Has No Weaver”, and I started reading about the lungs from the Chinese medical viewpoint. They are said to adjust and move the water channels (all the bodily fluids) along with the major movement of bodily “Chi” or “life force”. In this way they help maintain harmony in the whole body/mind/spirit. Think of being in the womb, surrounded by fluids and receiving oxygen via the fluids until that moment of birth where we take our first breath. That same breath carries us on and on through our life journey, unifying the outer world with the inner world until the moment of our final breath takes us out of this world experience.
The main emotion associated with the lungs is grief. Recognizing that when in balance, grief is a very important emotion to express but when out of balance it can either be excessive to the point of injury to the lungs or it can also be deficient to the point of callousness.
Here’s my womb story:
I hadn’t thought of this much recently but it all came back like a rushing stream as I was lying on the acupuncture table with the needles in my arms and legs opening the channels to bring in more healing. When my dear Mom was pregnant with me it was an especially exciting time for her own Mom, with whom she was very close. There hadn’t been an infant in the family for 8 ½ years (the gap between myself and my older sister Madelyn) and my Mom told me she’d made a special promise to my Grandma that “this little baby belongs just as much to you as to me!” Well, in January 1953 my dear Grandma died. I was born in April, four months later. In my later years when I’d ask my Mom how Grandma died the answer was that “she had a condition that caused her to retain fluids and she basically ended up “drowning in her own fluids”. I know that traumatic events in the life of a pregnant woman go directly to the womb. As a child and throughout my life I’ve experienced what I could call excessive grief. My Mom would often have to stay up with me late at night to console my endless stream of tears seemingly coming from nowhere at times and at other times coming from very tangible issues around the possibility of my parents dying, awareness of suffering in the world (often brought on by a movie such as “The Diary of Anne Frank” or any number of tragic stories.) Of course as I became an adult I began to deal with this via help with psychotherapy, spiritual practices and whatever seemed to make sense to bring me into balance.
I once had a hypnotherapy session that took me back to the womb and I actually sensed both my Mother’s and Grandmother’s deep grief that the union of my birth with my Grandmother would not be made in this lifetime. For the last four months of my womb journey I floated in a sea of grief and sorrow. I’m also aware though, that once I completed my journey through the birth canal and “stepped foot onto land” a kind of amnesia of my inner womb journey took place as my birth brought such joy to my parents.
That deep grief wound was reopened when my dear Mom died in 2002 after dealing with Alzheimer’s for around six years. Fortunately, at that time in my life I had so many more techniques available to help me stay in balance; and now, most of the time anyway, when I think of my Mom a warm smile flows through me rather than tears of sadness and longing.
As I was preparing for surgery I often said it felt like I’d be giving some kind of birth to something but that it also felt like some kind of death of something. Now, it’s so clear to me that this has all been so necessary. The surgery I had was about removing all that grief that had been growing in my own reproductive organs since I was in the womb. It is part of my purpose for being here…to heal not only myself but also, the deep psycho/spiritual grief of my Mother and Grandmother, and perhaps her mother and grandmother (and on, and on).
Thich Nhat Hanh, one of my spiritual guides often speaks about the importance of our connection to our ancestors and our responsibility to them throughout our lives. This never quite made the kind of sense it now makes to me.
One day, a long time ago, a student came up to me after yoga class and said something like, “You know, I not only practice yoga to help me be a better parent and husband, but also to help my ancestors.” The way he said it made me really stop in my tracks and try to comprehend it. Now, here it is, resurfacing.
So, with all this said, the healing any of us needs to go through on any level is never just about us. Who else in our lives—whether on this plane or the next—may need our help in healing?
The water element…the flow that connects us all…is so prevalent everywhere. The day prior to my acupuncture session described above, I went to Baker Beach just to feel the sand beneath my feet, the sun on my face and the salty breeze on my skin. I’m still fairly weak so walking on the beach felt very empowering. I stopped for a moment and stood in “mountain pose” with my hands in prayer position in front of my heart and my eyes closed. I began to pray, to ask for help and guidance, to give thanks to the many blessings in my life and especially to feel the pulse of life moving through me in that very moment. Something caused me to interrupt my prayer and open my eyes. When I did, there…in very close range were three dolphins dancing and bobbing and celebrating the beauty of their lives. It was such a gift. I just stood there in awe and bliss and absorbed their love, strength and courage. The image will stay with me forever. In all my 28 years living in SF, I’ve never had that kind of dolphin viewing on a SF beach. Now, I think of them as the healed spirits of my Mom, Grandma and myself. What pure joy!
So, where does this leave me now? Just more alive, more grateful and more connected with all the dear ones in my life and with life itself. This is really all I need…all any of us needs to be truly rich, truly connected from our deepest innermost self to the Universal Self that creates, protects, sustains and guides us from one journey to the next…from womb to womb to womb.
I’ll end with these beautiful words I heard recently:
“Time is the master of healing…Love is the master of everything else” (John Denver)
Stay well dear ones and I’ll connect up again after March 10th.
Om~Shanti~Shanti,
Yolanda
Yo
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Matt & Yo
