Hello dear ones,
I realize it’s been a long silence since my last writing. April was a very full month to say the least. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one scrambling to get taxes done and that was a huge part of my month. Problem was that I kept getting interrupted with health complications, particularly having to do with fluid build-up around the membranes surrounding my lungs. I am doing much better though and am slowly getting stronger and more energetic. For those of you wondering about how I’m “treating” my cancer the 8th paragraph below gives some details on that. (In case you’re not interested in reading the whole long entry I’ve included).
I hope this communication finds you well, healthy and happy!
March 31, 2008 – original date of this writing
It’s springtime. I’m looking out my east window in the early evening sunlight at the branches of the wonderful large tree in my backyard. It’s one of the biggest trees in the neighborhood and I’ve known this tree for 28 years now. I first met her when I drove out here from New Mexico in 1980 in my 1963 push-button-automatic-transmission Rambler. My car was filled to the gills with all I owned (clothes, books, sewing machine and memorabilia) and $300 in my wallet. I had a good friend who lived in the house I’m in right now who invited me to stay as a temporary housemate until I could establish a more permanent home. So, that was how I met the tree whom I now call “Four Seasons” (see above picture).
New Mexico has four really defined seasons. One never wonders what month it is there. I found this not to be the case here in the Bay Area. Over the years I’ve become more attuned to the subtle changes, but in general, there are days where it could just as easily be May as October, or January as June. So, “Four Seasons” has stood her ground over the years as I’ve moved into this same house three times. My first stay here as mentioned above was a temporary landing pad. The second time I was a housemate for a few years. Then a 14-year gap occurred during which time I met, fell in love with and married my dear hubbie and we moved back in and have been here over the past 11 years. This home has became a very stable ground for us and, especially now, is serving as a great respite for healing and strengthening.
When I left New Mexico there was much I was driving away from, but there was only one thing I was driving to and that was the huge and powerful ocean! I’ve always felt there is nothing more soul-sustaining for me on this planet than the ocean. I love the high desert of NM but longed to live near the ocean since my first visit to CA when I was 13 years old. The ocean renews me and gives me strength. It also calms me and allows me to feel the interconnection of all of life on this tiny blue planet.
Little did I know at the time I drove out here at age 27 (a little less than half my current age) that San Francisco would become such a stable home for me. Little did I know that I’d find the love of my life on a gray, overcast day on an almost empty Ocean Beach; Little did I know that I’d find my life’s calling as a Yoga teacher and healing arts practitioner; Little did I know that I’d find myself where I am now—dealing with this thing called cancer in a city that vows to take care of all its citizens (regardless of their financial status) needing hospitalization and health care; Little did I know that I’d have the opportunity to really know what it is to love and be loved by countless precious human beings. How could I have ended up anywhere else other than where I am right now? It all feels so perfect in so many ways—even the dark and difficult times.
So, this amazing house I live in with this beautiful “Four Seasons” tree is in the inner Richmond district. I’m too far to hear the sea, but close enough to feel it with many other senses. There are often Seagulls flying by within my view and earshot. There is the fresh ocean air that I feel just by stepping out my door. And, of course, there is the long “OM” chant of the foghorns that sound whenever they’re needed.
Right now “Four Seasons” is just barely revealing a very exciting change from winter to spring. Her giant and numerous branches have been bare and dead looking since the last of her leaves dropped off in mid-December (the time of my diagnosis). The tree has helped me “winter” this change in my body and in my life. It has shown me how to let myself get bare and empty and in many symbolic ways just shed much of whom & what I’ve believed myself to be. The truly beautiful thing about this naked state is that it reveals so much light and form. With “Four Seasons” the sky in the background shows her exquisitely sculptured branches. There’s actually so much more sunlight that shines into our house and in our yard during this naked winter time than any other time of the year.
All of this is paralleling my experience with cancer and all the related processes that are evolving every day into the magical realm of healing. There have been lots of ups and down over the past months especially as I am gradually being taught what it really means to heal. There has been deep confusion at times about what “to do” next and always the way out of that trap has simply been to surrender to “not knowing” and trust that the answer will appear when I am ready to receive it. That’s not an easy one for me much of the time, but when I do let go into “trust” amazing things—miracles—happen.
Over the past week, “Four Seasons” is displaying some tiny green clusters at the end of her dead-looking branches. A few days ago they were hardly detectible—almost imaginary. This evening, as I look upon her, many of those clusters are actually showing some tiny green leaves. The same thing is happening with me. I made a well-studied, discussed and grounded decision to forego Chemotherapy treatments at this time. Matt & I have been guided to a very wise and knowledgeable alternative/complimentary program at a wonderful place in San Anselmo called the Pine St. Clinic. They have been helping people live with cancer (whether involved in Chemotherapy or not) for the past 28 years. Through this program I’m receiving guidance with nutrition and supplementation. My Oncology and Pulmonary doctors at SF General are all very supportive of this and more than willing to work with me in any way I need to manage symptoms, get necessary blood work etc. and to monitor my progress. I’m also receiving acupuncture twice a week from a world master, Dr. Angela Wu; massage from Dan Gronwald and Kat Horn- two very talented and devoted healers; hypnotherapy from a very skilled and intuitive Noam Salpeter; my own spiritual practices of yoga/prayer/meditation, and, of course, daily prayers from all my dear family, friends and community. My seemingly dead and brittle branches are showing signs of brand new life on many levels.
The Yoga of Healing
There’s so much I’m learning that I thought I already knew but really didn’t even have a clue about. What does it take to allow healing—true healing on any level—to take place? Here are some of my “discoveries”:
1. First of all the cultivation of a Positive Mental Attitude (PMA). It is so easy for the mind to spin out in directions that not only do no good but can indeed cause real harm. It’s so important to develop awareness of our thought habits. We have total power to direct our thoughts and thereby our energy. I had one of the most profound conversations with a gentleman while we were waiting for a very slow elevator to finally pick us up from the 6th floor of what is called “Ward 86” at SF General. Ward 86 is where all the cancer and AIDS and pretty much “close to death” patients go to receive much of their help. At first there was the normal silence between the two of us as we waited. Then, eye contact and a smile, then “how’s it going” then he began to speak about his condition with Leukemia and in such simple and pure words stated the power of our thinking and the effect that can take on whether we live or die. Time seemed to stand still as his discussion continued on into the elevator and as we walked out of the building to the parking lot to go our own way. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before or said myself, but the connection of the moment and the words coming from this life so seemingly different from mine, made it all so absorbable.
2. The cultivation of equanimity especially when it comes to our reactions regarding our attachments and aversions: “I love this…I hate that”. There is truly a difference between using discretion in the many choices and decisions that come up in life daily, and being flung around by our reactions. I’ve really learned a lot about this while in the hospital and having to undergo various procedures that “I hate”. If I react everything becomes more stressful, the life force gets blocked, panic starts to arise, muscles harden, breathing is more difficult and on and on. However, if I can accept in the moment the particular experience with equanimity…keep the breath soft and watch my mental attitude and self-talk…I immediately experience more calmness and courage. Eventually, whatever is happening passes. All things pass—pleasant or unpleasant—they do pass.
3. The cultivation of using prayer and affirmation is truly the undercurrent of support for all healing practices. There are so many individual and creative ways each of us can develop this practice in our daily lives. Over the years through yoga and related activities, including my younger years as a devoted Catholic, I’ve learned many beautiful prayers, chants and affirmations. I also create my own, as they are needed. Often, one will spontaneously arise in a moment of great fear, distress or negativity—which, of course, can lead to depression and a state of ill health. Many of my prayers, mantras & affirmations are modified versions as it is my particular style to “customize” them to suit my reality. Many are perfect and powerful as they are and I don’t change a word. My newest mantra taught to me by my acupuncturist, Angela Wu is:
I am Happy; I am Healthy; I am Wealthy; I am Loved…
So…to expand on this a bit: I am Happy—no reason, simply because I’m choosing to be happy; I am Healthy—because I take good care of myself on all levels of nourishment; I am Wealthy—because I have nothing less than the abundance of the entire Universe to draw from; I am Loved—simply because I am here!
Imagine if we all could really know this about ourselves on a very authentic level how our lives would improve…all of our lives! Practice it for yourself and see what happens.
4. The cultivation of silence and mindfulness allows healing to happen. For me it’s as simple as sitting quietly and observing the subtle changes in “Four Seasons”, or noticing the shift in light from one part of the day to the next; Listening to all the sounds that surround us without getting caught up in any of it; Really tasting the food I put in my mouth and having a sense of connection with all the elements that brought that food to me. It’s really about being wherever we are when we are there.
5. The cultivation of kindness and friendliness. It’s so easy to be friendly and yet it can be so scary and even intimidating. It doesn’t have to be about overwhelming anyone—just a simple smile can work wonders for all involved…it feels good to smile and it feels good to be smiled at. As I wrote in my 1st point on this list, it can often open the heart and mind to a beautiful sharing of thoughts and visions. Lots of times, however, it’s nothing more than a sharing of the human spirit in a very generous way.
So, that’s as far as I’ve gotten on my “Yoga of Healing” list. I’m sure you may be able to think of many more things to add to the list. We all need healing on some or many levels so stay creative and open to what comes.
I send my love and friendship to all who read this and am ever receptive to your healing energy in whatever way you may wish to share it with me, with yourself and with others.
Om…Peace…Yolanda
Yo
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Matt & Yo
