Original date of this writing: May 26, 2008, Memorial Day
Hello Dear Friends & Family,
Well here is my once-a-month blog “essay”. It always takes me a while to allow my thoughts to wrap around a particular topic. On this Memorial Day I was motivated to reach for my journal and here is what filled the pages.
I’d like to send a message of love, peace and forgiveness out to all as we honor those who have lost their lives in war. Memorial Day focuses on the veterans but we can extend that to all who suffer because of war--people, animals and the environment.
I just watched several interviews on the evening news with war veterans and the story of war just never changes. How can we begin from within ourselves to change the landscape from battlefield to peaceful meadow? I suppose we must first recognize and acknowledge our own internal battles and find creative ways to bring about peace.
It seems the essence of war has been with humans since the earliest of our existence. One of my favorite stories about war and peace is contained in the Bhagavad Gita—one of the most luminous of all the Hindu scriptures. I won’t attempt to summarize it here, but if you’re interested in checking it out, my favorite translation with commentary is the one by Eknath Easwaran. Many of you may be familiar with this beautiful scripture and I’m sure many aren’t. Because the story takes place on the battlefield and the main character is being encouraged to go into battle when he doesn’t want to, the story is often misjudged as justifying war. In truth it is a story about getting in touch with our “higher truth” and offering ourselves to life one hundred percent.
The setting of the story is on the battlefield the evening before a major battle is to take place between rivaling factions of the same family of a kingdom. The two main characters are Arjuna, the top warrior of his family and Krishna his charioteer and advisor. Arjuna is torn because he knows he will have to fight and kill many of his own and yet he needs to save his kingdom from being taken over by corrupt rulers. In truth the whole setting is a metaphor for the “war within” the human mind and heart and the struggles one must go through to find his or her true strength, power and truth. Arjuna represents the aspect of personality and ego, the more worldly “lower self” so to speak, and Krishna represents the “higher self” that is directly connected to what the Gita refers to as “God Consciousness” or “Divine Wisdom”.
I have felt myself on that battlefield quite a lot since my relationship with cancer began last December. I’m sure I’ve been on that field my whole life but not really aware of it. In the “Gita” Arjuna is a warrior and is destined to carry out his duties to defend his kingdom and everything he values. However, he is so distraught and confused with the situation that he simply wants to lay down his sword and shield and walk away. Krishna is there to show him the “bigger picture” so to speak and help him stay in his truth. The true battle Arjuna has to partake in is to conquer his own darkness and open to the light of God that exists in all. The conversation that ensues between the two of them covers all aspects of the nature of birth, life, death and beyond.
On the eve before my surgery in February I wanted to lay down my sword and shield and run away. I heard my own “Krishna” telling me this was a necessary battle I needed to fight and to run away would simply cause much greater suffering to myself, my loved ones and my community. I don’t think I’d be alive today if I’d not gone into that battle. And, that battle would not have been even possible without the support of all the amazing doctors and nurses and lifesaving expertise that has been, and continues to be, available to me at SF General. The integrative approach to healing that I have chosen offers me the best of both conventional and alternative worlds.
In March while in the hospital I found myself on that battlefield again. It was the eve before my first scheduled chemo treatment. This time the nature of the battle wasn’t so clear-cut. After many consultations with my oncology advisors about going through with the chemo treatments the prognosis was never optimistic, but nevertheless chemo was the only option being offered. I’d not done much research on many alternatives at that point. I was in the hospital in such dire shape due to the fluid build-up around my lungs that I was literally suffocating. One of the characteristics of this type of cancer is that it creates a lot of extra fluids where they are not needed or wanted. In my case they have collected in my abdominal region and in my lung membranes. At a certain point and out of a sense of desperation I decided to choose the weapon of chemo. The night before the battle however, my Krishna came to me and told me I would not survive with this method. I was extremely weak, had lost lots of weight (you could practically shine a light right through me) and really felt my spirit slowly leaving my body. I listened and stopped everything. I went home the next day weak and exhausted and very frightened because I really didn’t have an alternate plan that I felt good about. That following week I found my plan and have picked up my sword and shield. My weapons are made of many components that are aggressively fighting the cancer cells and at the same time giving strength to my healthy cells.
What has come to me through all this is that cancer cells thrive on darkness and negative emotions. While I acknowledge that our negative emotions such as fear, worry, anxiety, grief, sadness anger and frustration serve a purpose in our process of self-knowledge, growth and relationship to life, they must not be allowed to take over. There is a metaphor in the yoga teachings regarding the relationship of our emotions to our higher consciousness. It is of a horse-drawn carriage with several horses that need to be kept in control by the coachman. The horses represent the emotions and the coachman the higher consciousness. If the coachman loses control and the horses take over everything can end in disaster.
So, my weapons of choice in my battle are made out of kindness, joy, calmness, self- confidence, faith, courage and love. These elements brought together create a sword & shield that shines brighter than a thousand suns! Every moment of every day & night whether awake or asleep, consciously aware or not, my inner warriors are busily seeking and destroying disease causing darkness using the radiation of love and feeding on all the physical and psychological methods I’m using (herbs, supplements, prayer, acupuncture, massage, yoga & meditation practice, hypnotherapy, symptomatic support from SF General and lots and lots of love from family, friends and community). My healing practices never sleep!
With all this said I must admit that I am often overwhelmed by fear, worry, anxiety, sadness and anger. I have to allow my tears of vulnerability to wash through me until I can feel the inner voices of strength remind me that “healing is happening…trust, have faith”. Fortunately for me I have a loving husband who is always there for me to help me remember who I am and my ever-existing connection to the Essence of Life…God. Each day I live through feels like a major victory and brings me more faith, courage, love, joy and kindness.
One of the war stories I watched on the news was about honoring this wonderful man (whose name I didn’t get, unfortunately) who was a veteran of WWII and refused to fight or carry a weapon but chose instead to go onto the battlefield as a medic. He risked his life constantly on the front lines and saved countless lives. He was a true warrior of peace!
When I’m in my yoga practice and doing any of the warrior poses I can hear the words “I am a warrior of peace” move through me and they help me sense and feel my courage and strength on many levels.
So, it is to all the “warriors of peace” residing in each of us I say thank you for your courage and the countless lives that your love saves in ways you can’t even know about.
To finish this writing I’d like to share a very powerful affirmation that now comes through me every morning when I awake. It is from the Dalai Lama:
A Precious Human Life
“Every day think as you wake up,
Today I am fortunate to have woken up.
I am alive; I have a precious human life.
I am not going to waste it…
I am going to use all my energies to develop myself,
To expand my heart out to others…
To achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.
I am going to have kind thoughts towards others.
I am not going to get angry, or think badly about others.
I am going to benefit others a s much as I can.”
H.H. The XIVth Dalai Lama
Yo
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Matt & Yo
